Apprehension

What makes me apprehensive about... wait.

What makes me delighted about public speaking is mostly temperamental. My personality is naturally adverse to the format. I'm introverted, independent, and much more comfortable writing speeches than I am speaking them.

It isn't about uncertainty for me. I feel like I've been behind the proverbial podium enough to feel confident about my role, abilities, ideas, etc. But it's still awkward. The classroom setting is generally forced. Some people are there by choice, others (such as myself) are there because the course fulfills transfer requirements and, consequently, there is a disparity of interest in the audience. I tend to pick up on that aspect - the lack of interest - and it makes me feel uneasy. Nobody wants to hear an uninteresting speech, but my personal apprehension comes from the knowledge that some people in the audience are there because they have to be, which is not really conducive with friendly, encouraging environments. Fortunately, this is not a crippling fear of mine - it's just a qualm I have with the setting. Because I understand the circumstances I feel better about my ability to see past disinterest and blank stares.

So I guess I'm not really addressing this prompt. I keep contradicting myself because I don't have many apprehensions about public speaking, which I know is easy for me to say. I did though!

Here's an anecdote: Senior year of high school I decided to run for Vice President of the National Honor Society. I had, until then, been one of the most soft spoken members of our chapter. I only wanted to run because I was applying to really great schools and I knew it would look great to put a title next to NHS. Applying was easy enough: meet the requirements, prepare a speech, and present the speech. After all of the speeches were heard, the vote would take place.

I had complete confidence in my ability. Throughout high school I was commended on my writing and my audience was exactly the type of people I felt most comfortable around - nerds. Still, the day of the speech had to come and when it did... things did not go as planned. I was one of about eight or nine other members applying for higher positions. Some of the applicants were already popular choices and were going for their second terms. I kept looking at my notes, reading and re-reading them, reassuring myself that I possessed the skills necessary to deliver this speech with some gusto. My turn came and everything became shaky. My voice, my arms, my hands, my fingers - they all trembled with nervousness. No witty euphemism could have saved me at that point, so I went through the torture and somehow everything turned out fine. People obviously noticed my nervousness, but it was almost so cliche that it wasn't cliche anymore and it was "cute." That's what I kept getting told. It was "cute" - my nervousness.

I don't know if that anecdote is helpful at all (It probably isn't) but if it's any consolation, the next time I had to speak I had no troubles whatsoever. I embraced my awkwardness and the audience responded well. I had to speak in front of 15 of my high school's most successful students once a week for an entire semester and never once did I feel anxious after that initial speech. Sometimes it's just about recognizing that no speech is going to be perfect and it is better to embrace your shortcomings than to obsess over them.

Regards,

Ivan